Nika

livejournal?

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 23:48:17 GMT

can you fall in love after three days???????

i've forever believed that fate is a load of bullcrap. but maybe this is one little exception. where the HELL did he come from?

every taurus i meet has the ability to drive me INSANE.

This is my new years resolution: be as selfish as i can possibly be. it's true, in the end we're all in this for ourselves and ourselves alone. and i don't much like being taken advantage of.

today i write

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 18:34:16 GMT

and so i'm writing for this online journal basically just to hear my own thoughts out loud and be expressed in words even though i feel like... this is only for me.
thats fine though.
and so i'm sitting here with instant coffee because making coffee is so much more fuckin work and for some reason i just don't feel like waiting until i see dustin at starbucks...in like an hour. I wrote a poem once for composition starting with the word "coffee" and i basically told my whole life story. i think i have it somewhere. here we go:
Caffeinated Stability

Coffee
That’s freshly brewed in the silent house
The smell of the Parish Hall after Church
Church is a shelter for vulnerability
Like a soup kitchen around Christmastime
Christmas was a magical holiday
Like Disney World, candy, and fairy tales
In every fairy tale there is a princess, a villain, a hero,
A moral.
Simple morals become harder to understand
Understanding is not the same as knowing
Knowledge is essential for every step to follow
For every grade received
Good grades come with hard work
Like homework in the early morning,
In the silent house, with
My notebook, my pen, my third cup
of coffee.

meh not so much a life story, but it's crazy how much can come from the word coffee. My life truly depends on this chemical called caffeine.

and now alavert. what does it feel like to be chemical free?

school gets a tiny bit better by day. it's not that bad really...i just feel like there's nothing to look forward to, therefore i feel like what's the point? ya know?

i havent' felt like i've been learning or experiencing anything new...that's what is so blah right now i guess. and there hasn't been much laughter in between. my thoughts consist of people from other places, even though i know they are carrying on w/ their lives right now and not dwelling on..well me i guess. but they're not dwelling like i am, so its stupid. dwelling can be so so destructive.

i don't like him. and if i do, my emotions really aren't welcome here. not for this situation. it is just too hard.

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 17:56:17 GMT

today pushed me.

i think at least six things all went wrong at once. six big things.

thats it - i have lost everything i knew about me. its something i just....i guess don't understand. home brings out the absolute

worst

in me.

and the worst part is, i create it this way for myself. everything thats wrong at this point is definately my own fault. i can't decide how much i care. but i think i'll look back and care...a lot.

Barrington

Sat, 13 Sep 2003 22:20:05 GMT

saw Geoff.

made an ass of myself at Bagelz.

cleaned the upstairs of my house.

feeling bad for myself now that there's nothing to do.

There's often not much to do. It's beginning to get to me a teeny tiny. beginning to freak me out. beginning to allow myself way too much time to think way too much. about dumb shit. dumb shit that becomes too important. dumb shit that i overanalyze. it allows insecurity and emptiness.

kevin called last night. it was....so exciting for some reason to talk to him, hear a voice of someone I know when I knew one person at that party. It's not that I had a bad time in RI, i was just sort of...intimidated? I think it's cause i'm not bad ass enough. Thats it. I'm not bad ass and I felt stupid.

Weird to actually experience the social life of people you know from camp.

I love being with him...but I cannot figure it out. What goes on in his head, what goes on in my head. What goes on in our heads when I see him, what goes on in our heads when we're away from one another. what changes from when we're together and when we're not. again, time allows dumb shit to be overanalyzed. maybe i don't have to figure it all out.
just.......

whatever.

Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:00:48 GMT

i'm ready for cigarettes and porn. just a few weeks baby.

are tongue piercings trashy, or cool?

so he says, i don't like names. just the concept of you and me. i have terrible luck w/ people from far away.

home.

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 22:20:28 GMT

In the beginning of the summer, home was everything i wanted and everywhere I wanted to be. It was comfortable and familiar. Many a things I had to do.

Glastonbury Connecticut and Camp Calumet Lutheran are two very familiar places that are nothing like eachother at all. They are like eachother the way that I hate both places and love both places. Which one i love more i'm not sure...now I say camp but that is because I just returned. In June I said home. In June I cried at night because it was hard to feel welcome as a JC-that and people like Paul Jackson can be so bitter and inconsiderate. I feel bad for that child, he is so insecure. so insecure. (he was the goofy kid i took to prom). But I do not make exceptions for him.

And then there was Geoff...

I think that the thing I like most about him is the way he keeps me thinking. And theres something about the kid. Maybe its his way of getting out of anything and having the ability to do whatever he wants. I like his smile, and the way his eyes say that he cares. And the way he left gummy bears on my pillow. He's like no ones else I know. But I'm going to forget about him, I know I already am.

ahhhh ending relationships. This was a good one.

I'm learning to distinguish the difference between the two places. It's like I can't even think about camp or be the person I am at camp when I'm at home. They're two things that can't be compared to one another. I do think that I like the person I am at camp better though. I miss it, but it's pointless to dwell on it.

And now its Senior Year. For the first time, it definately does feel like it. I think that the past year/summer have been pretty satisfying. Maybe its just that so much happened and changed, but i think its because I started living and knowing what was going on while i was living it. I'm ready for my last year here before we all leave.

happy feelings

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 14:06:24 GMT

emotions are real when the boy you like likes you too, or still likes you, and life simply cannot be predicted even if you try. but you don't want to try. it's the last thing you want to do.

at least the latter, but the former adds quite an element of happiness that cannot be explained. it only happens maybe once a year. if that.

and the day just gets better: shopping w/ the father, three grad. parties, partying it up at dustin's.

Fri, 13 Jun 2003 22:12:35 GMT

So. For the most part, I am a senior. Choir exam does not count.

Reading through old entries is somewhat sad. this journal is a perfect example of how i vent about all my upset emotions. I haven't had much anything positive to say in a while.

Prom. It feels like it didn't actually happen. I forgot all about it.

So Dustin is lending me his piece and i'm smoking the free pot i got for sitting in a chair a half hour. ahh makes me laugh. i miss mairead.

Tue, 27 May 2003 13:20:12 GMT

Am I sick?

or

just sad?

What difference does it make, all I know is that I can't get through school today. I feel like everything around me is cloudy and vague...gloomy and depressing...my head hurts from the stuffy air i'm breathing and I can't seem to really touch my emotions/thoughts or understand them. I feel uncomfortable and utterly pissed off.

What is it about the midwest that's different. Everything seems a whole lot bigger there. (I don't mean that in just one way.) I feel like it's easier for them to just express what they think. There is something that's different about Connecticut, something that holds us back from so many things we want to say, we want to do, we want to look, whatever. I always feel a lot more...free or self-confident in MN. Maybe it's just the change in setting. Maybe its the difference between my friends and my cousin's friends. I think that I cried at the party we went to in St. Paul, although I had a bit too many drinks, i'm not sure what it was that caused me to cry. A few people were concerned and I just couldn't explain it.

If anyone has been to Bloomington MN, you'd know of the ski jump. If not, there is a huge ski jump that has a phenomenal view of the whole town. It's quite illegal to climb it at times when it's not open, but we climbed the damn thing. It was like stepping out of the world and just watching it. Everything is so tiny. Everything.

I finally paid a visit to Dan's grave. I've never experienced anything so disturbing and strange.

Thu, 22 May 2003 15:34:40 GMT

Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota.

umm that's all i have to say.

babysitting stories

Wed, 21 May 2003 19:03:32 GMT

so I tried to tell funny stories today and failed entirely.

anyone read Curious George goes to the hospital? It's the one where he swallows a puzzle piece and is sent to the hospital. They take x-rays and the yellow man says, that's the piece of the puzzle that's missing! Then they explain that George will have to have surgery, that they have to stick a tube down his throat and fish out the puzzle piece. The doctor says "it's a simple process, really." At the end of the story they give George the piece of the puzzle that he swallowed, just the same way that it was before! And they go home and finish their puzzle!! Come one, does anyone else find this amusing?

Devon laughed, maybe we find the same stupid things funny.

Also, the kids I babysat last night told me they'd like to hit my head with a baseball bat and allow me to perish in the backyard while they watch tv. quite comforting.

Fri, 16 May 2003 15:35:00 GMT

Hm. Does guiltiness come with every emotion we ever feel?

I feel so confined. And yet I shouldn't. Everything that bothers me is so petty and stupid.

When we're sad, we feel like we should be happy. When we're happy, we feel like we shouldn't be. And what is in between.

There are a lot of occasions where I'd like to hit people. Hit them hard. No one specific...just anyone. Everyone thinks I'm never angry. I have no release. I don't know why i've been so touchy, but i want to hit people and i want to hurt them.

Maybe a lock-in at the church will be good for me. Wait a minute, I hate my youth group. My pastor doesn't understand that I hate being around them. I hate all these activities. I hate the room that I have to teach Sunday School in and I don't know what drags me out of bed on sundays to go there. There is a familiarness that i find in the church, but that is dying. A lot is becoming strange and unfamiliar. I find comfort in the yellow submarine. What will i do when my car breaks down next year.

what a crummy friday.

j'ai mal a la tete

Wed, 07 May 2003 22:32:37 GMT

so. indeed its been a while

Thinking about Ball gives me a headache. My pictures are ishy. It was one of those things that i didn't let myself enjoy and it all just went by too quickly.

Thinking about Prom gives me a bigger headache. I think i'm just not made for these formal dance things. Or maybe my expectations should be way lower. I hope Paul has fun... I hope we both have fun.

I feel like someone sucked out the fun in me and i'm just drained and bitter. I have a headache, I feel like crying, i feel too lazy to try and be in a good mood. I already went shopping today and it didn't help. I didn't find anything which simply made it all the more WORSE. And now i feel like i wasted money on bad pictures, gas, and sunglasses.

I think I've felt like this for a while. Restless, frustrated, and like trying to see things w/ a more positive approach just gives me a headache. I don't know what it is. I think I need a haircut. New clothes, new cd's, new shoes, new hair. ahhh i'm going back to the mall.

Fri, 25 Apr 2003 15:30:49 GMT

I'm pissed. But i have optimism. :)

Sun, 20 Apr 2003 17:54:57 GMT

its Easter. Hallelujah.

Its interesting to see all those random people who decide to come to St. Marks on Easter sunday. Or the people that used to come all the time and hardly do anymore. dorky as it may sound, but its interesting to see how people grow up/age. This Easter was horrible. I don't feel like we're really celebrating anymore. It wasn't hard to see the utter sadness beneath everyone's phony smiles. Today has been such a chore.

So the memorial in our church is all up to me. I have no idea what would be appropriate. Theres no way in hell anything should be put in the youth group room. I don't even recognize the place anymore. The true youth group has completely died out anyway. It just won't be appreciated the way it should.

At the end of this year I am leaving many friendships. At the end of next year, I'm leaving Glastonbury forever. I'll hardly be able to catch up w/ those friends when my breaks will be spent in Maryland(my family's moving to Maryland). I haven't really realized the magnitude of how much is about to change.

sooooooo bored

Fri, 11 Apr 2003 01:57:42 GMT

i need an activity of some sort to keep me entertained. when there is nothing to do i cannot possibly explain how irritable i am and how much self pity i have. its awful. boredom is the worst thing ever. or maybe the combination of being bored after school, stressed out about school, feeling the initial loneliness and dissappointment that follow a break up, being so FUCKING ANNOYED by my parents, discouraged and upset about everything....ahhhhhh. i just took a bubble bath which temporarily helped.

i need some NC and some grandma and grandpa durham. i wish i could stay in chapel hill though...i really don't feel like spending two nights and then leaving sunday to see ten thousand colleges with my parents. dreading the week to come. i've seen two colleges and thats enough.

seems like paul really has an interest in this prom...he's beginning to make me feel bad when i suggest taking someone else. I guess i'll take him. but i still feel like a dorkface.

ya know what? i'm tired of sleeping. how crazy is that. i want fun filled busy nights.

Wed, 26 Mar 2003 16:08:49 GMT

i hate people today. i signed out my name in the library ahead of time, so when the next person got back w/ the pass i could go. then some kid walks up before me and signs out, taking the pass. i'm just like, whatever i'll go after. he gets back....and now i'm waiting for another girl to return...even though MY name was already written down a long time ago so that i could go first damnit!!! and i really have to faire du pepee.

french people are great. i have a wide range of vulgar words and slang in french now. my missions are complete.

composition makes me feel smart. its my favorite class right now, perhaps i should do something in the form of writing. Those A's haven't appeared on ANYTHING in an EXTREMELY long time...but there they are. I love writing.

THERE GOES ANOTHER GIRL WITH MY LAV PASS

i think this spring will be a good one, everyone needs it. w/ a few doses of clarinex each morning, the days to come should be most enjoyable

Sat, 15 Mar 2003 07:04:47 GMT

i was pleasantly surprised by my camp friends dustin and paul coming to see the play. it made me so happy :).

chad came too, and i ditched him for the other two. all my friends are like, good job nika even though you aren't in it at all. thanks. i'm worthless. i could easily not show up...believe me everything would go completely wrong.

The play was AWESOME tonight!! man was i pleased. good audience. thanks audience.

I'm in a good mood because i've been up for 22 hours and have used every minute of the day. homework was done. physics test...i definately did the best i think i've done on a physics test. play: awesome. people, just perfect. Today was productive and enjoyable. Tomorrow will be the same!

this night

Sun, 09 Mar 2003 06:47:07 GMT

this night was

lotsa fun...although the play SUCKED.

oh well...kind of just like a rehearsal for us, no audience anyway.

i normally am not emotional during shows...i'm afraid of crying next weekend.

but caitlin's was whole bundles of fun. i left because i'm tired and should be sleeping. i will do that..now! sunday morning conversation tomorrw. probobly no one will go. i miss leslie and jack and erica and kirsten and wes. pooey youth group. this makes me sad. nite.

mmm strange mood!!

Wed, 05 Mar 2003 17:57:18 GMT

i am not a freak. i am not a freak. I AM NOT A FREAK!!!

there are women in this world that share my messed up habits.

had a dream that i was catsitting for a strange british couple. one kitten, lucky, ate all of the food. then all of a sudden there was this huge christmas parade, right in the neighborhood. the sweetest lady, all dressed in green like ivy, came right to our door. my dream ended w/ a big calumet orgy. i woke up asking everyone if it was good for them.

MAN. not gonna lie...it was a good dream.

didn't go to the rally, actually didn't go to school. rehearsals and actually caring about school are not easy to balance. i'm semi-healthy. more overwhelmed by lack of time.

I LOVE CALUMET

sickness

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 22:14:11 GMT

Well...back to drinking my second cup of coffee, meaning I'm getting better!! I think that strep throat is one of the worst things i've felt in a long time. (like, physical illenss-wise). no eating, drinking, swallowing your own saliva, or talking.

I have been going out with Chad for one month, if it lasts unitl tommorrow, new record for nika! (not that i'm saying it won't last). This weekend would have been a lot of fun had my throat not gotten all swelled up. Kirstens home and she is good. visiting her friend nate at uconn was fun. i'm looking forward to college. so sick of high school. so sick of the same old stuff.

I liked the fact that my mom brought me to the doctor yesterday. sometimes you just need someone to take care of you. i like that Chad called to check up on me. thanks for calling, Dev. well....onto catching up w/ school. i think i work tonight.

hmmmm

Thu, 27 Feb 2003 16:27:31 GMT

a lot of people use livejournal. no one really talks about it. i don't think livejournal is a bad thing.

enough self pity

Sun, 23 Feb 2003 19:25:40 GMT

so...last entry was pretty uplifting. February Vacation. this week went by very quick and i need more. more i tell you soooo much more!! i keep fluctating of when i should go to france....should i stay for a semester? summer? should i go next year and get my credits over the summer? i would really like to go next year. but at the same time, spending most of this break w/ camp people... i don't want to not go back to camp. learning groups is simply one hour of the day to bullshit. i don't have to believe it to preach it.
i'm attracted to the wrong people. i need to stop and look before me at what i have.

a lot happened over this break. some things i realized:
-there are reasons you lose touch w/ or stop being friends w/ certain people. apologizing continually for reasons i don't have to is not worth my time of the day. and w/ this thought in mind, i shouldn't be so hard on myself for losing touch w/ Dan. if i had known, of course i would have changed that. however he drove me insane, i shouldn't forget that and be regretful of trying to stay mentally healthy. i'm grateful for that period of time that we were close.
-it sometimes takes hurting other people to learn something valid about yourself. i actually already did know this and learn from this...its interesting to watch other people go through the same thing. i feel wise.
-guys that are rude to me only make me want them. i think i still have some self respect things to work on.
-instead of focusing on what i don't have, i must start focusing on what i do have. Chad is sooo good to me. he is so good to me.
- i have little time between now and June. There is so much i have yet to say and relationships to develop w/ people before i leave, and then they will leave. time to live it up.

i looooove this time of year. i'm a freak i know it. its so fresh and beautiful.

Thu, 13 Feb 2003 23:11:16 GMT

I've never felt like perhaps....i have no real friends. i don't know what to think about people. i know that there is so much i'd like to say, and so many people i'd like to talk to, but i know that something is strongly holding me back. i've never felt like i have to worry about what best friends think of me. like i am uncomfortable in the presence of other people because i fear their opinion. its just... not right. the only people i truly like being with is the cast right now. i am ready to leave and start a new way of living. crying is the absolute worst when it is uncontrolable and there is no one to calm you down. who can i call? the question repeated again and again. the list of names went through my mind. only one name stood out. i couldn't call her. maybe she does not need me, but i need her.
i feel so cowardly and immature. when will we actually talk my Joseph(ha, do you realize we are married if you are joseph, and i am mary?). you are hard to reach, my attempts are failures. i'm tired of bitterness, i cannot be around angry people for too long. the atmosphere of bad feelings is beginning to kill me. i wish i could seperate myself from the world. my dad is pissing me the fuck off. (now how hypocritical was that one) i've never felt like i have no friends. i'm tired of absolutely everything. i enjoy working in the mornings, i enjoy rehearsals after school. i enjoy being at church. i enjoy...choir. i hate home, i hate school, i hate elsewhere in town. i feel
thats it i don't know. i feel lost and there is no one i even want to talk to. thats how i feel.

Mon, 10 Feb 2003 23:42:21 GMT

the monthly visit from a little friend explains a lot about last week...

perhaps my emotions will tone down a bit. i'm very angry today. i'm let down, i feel rejected.